


Better Different

by NervousAsexual



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual, I'll get over it, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, and it feels like maybe i really am broken because people who aren't don't hurt people like that, so today i cried because a video game character wanted to date my character, unfortunately that doesn't make it stop hurting in the meantime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:14:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24261181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousAsexual/pseuds/NervousAsexual
Summary: Two self-loathing dumbasses do some self-loathing. Local good boy does some good.
Relationships: Female Sole Survivor & Nick Valentine, Female Sole Survivor/Nick Valentine
Comments: 17
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

Do you think she knows you love her?

You haven't given her a lot of reason to think that, or maybe you've given her too much. Why else would she have asked you? People don't exactly line up around the block to ask for your love. Hell, they don't line up for anything at all. But she stood with you on the street where the woman Nick Valentine loved died all those years ago, put her arms around you, and if you thought you had the hardware to do so you would have cried. People don't hug you; they don't touch you if they can help it. But she did, and you thought...

You didn't think. If you did you would have realized what was coming and you wouldn't have held her too. Instead you led her on. You let her think you were something you weren't.

And she asked you, she said, "I was wondering if we could try being more than just friends?"

Something more?

Shouldn't have surprised you, really. Just been out on your own too long, Valentine. Let yourself get convinced that the way other folks do it isn't better, just different.

First you told her "No." At least you knew right away that was the wrong answer, so you told her, "I can't." Then you saw the look on her face and you knew, as you shoulda known all along, that she was gonna blame herself, and you said, "I think we make great friends."

She tried to smile and blow it off like it didn't hurt. "When you're right you're right," she told you.

You haven't seen her since that day.

At first you told yourself it must have been something with the Railroad or the Minutemen. Then you decided it was probably one of those settlements out east, the ones she wanted to turn into a rescue for mutant hounds--she was probably busy with that.

But you knew. Just like you know now.

Run it all back in your mind again. Every time you do you turn up something else you shouldn't have done or said. What's it gonna be this time? Here's a new one: every time she picked up some pre-war junk you teased her, told her she must have a thing for antiques.

What the hell did you think would happen?

It was a joke. You are a joke.

Shoulda been upfront. When she showed up to spring you from that vault you should have said, "Gotta love the irony of the reverse damsel in distress, but since we're already subverting that trope you should know that I'm incapable of loving romantically as well." Guess you thought somehow she'd know even thought you didn't think to disclose this little tidbit. You thought--what? That because you wear your brokenness in your face and your hands and your entire junk heap of a body she'd somehow know that you were broken inside too?

You've been letting yourself pretend to be human when you aren't. You know you aren't. You weren't even enough for the Institute. You have no right to be thinking you'll ever be enough for anyone.

If she comes back you'll apologize, for all the good it will do you. You know she deserves better. You also know she hurts. So you hope she doesn't come back. God willing, she'll find somebody who can give her what she needs. She'll find a family, and she'll be happy, and she'll forget you ever existed, and maybe that will be enough to justify your miserable existence. Maybe you're a piece of shit, but at least you love her enough to let her go.

And somehow you do love her.

Doesn't help matters. If anything it makes it worse. She's a damn good friend and a damn good person, and you'd die for her if she'd let you. She's been through a hell you can't even imagine and all she's asking is for something more. Not something different, not something else. Something more. And you can't even give her that.

You broken piece of shit.


	2. Chapter 2

What did you think was gonna happen?

He told you himself he didn't even know who he was anymore, but you weren't even listening, were you? Just thinking about what you were gonna say, and then you asked this guy whose entire existence just slid into limbo if he wanted to be more than friends.

God, Nora. Learn to read a fucking room.

You ought to be grateful, actually, that he even told you no. What if he'd said yes because he felt he couldn't say no? You hired him to find your son, he basically works for you, it was so goddamned inappropriate of you to ask. And he'd asked you for your help with that last little bit of pre-war Nick Valentine business and told you himself that he owed you a hell of a lot. He must think that you would do anything to get him to say yes, even help him find that ghoul just so he would owe you something.

Which is worse--going back, trying to explain, and having to look him in the eye and see firsthand how much you screwed things up, or never going back at all and pretending nothing happened, like you never even met him?

Oh, but what if he doesn't want to see you again? In a way you're doing him a favor by not forcing him to think about it again and isn't it convenient that the option that makes you the least uncomfortable is magically the best thing for him. You owe him more than that.

You owe him a hell of a lot more, more than you can ever hope to repay. More than he could ever owe you.  
You should have told him that. Why didn't you tell him that? You know how he is, self-sacrificing to a fault. If you stopped thinking about yourself for one goddamn minute you would have figured out what would happen when you asked. Maybe then you would have figured out that no, he wasn't fucking flirting with you, he wasn't playing hard to get, he really was that oblivious until you just came right out and told him what you wanted.

Goddammit. You fucking fuck-up. He probably hates you now, and if he doesn't he should.You've been nothing but a burden for him since the two of you walked out of that vault.

When you asked and he just blurted out, "No," that should have been enough for you. Cut and dry. No way you were misinterpreting that. But you didn't say anything and he said, "I can't." And you still didn't say a goddamn word because you were hoping somehow he'd change his mind, that suddenly he'd want what you want just because you wanted it. And he was perfectly polite, even though you basically propositioned him when he literally just got through telling you that he didn't know what to feel anymore. What was it he said? "I think we make great friends?" He was right, of course. He was your best friend, one of the handful of people you found to love since the day you came back to Sanctuary. And you fucked it up. Just like you always fuck up everything.

Maybe you should have died in that vault with the rest of them. Everybody would have been better off. Can't betray people's trust if you're already dead.

And the saddest part? If you had just kept your mouth shut, not even done anything extra, just stop doing shitty things, you could've been happy. Maybe your love would be unrequited but you're so lucky already, there's so many people who do love you, some of them even in the way you wanted him to love you. It would've been enough just to keep going on with him. But no, not you. You wanted something more from him than what he'd already given you, which was pretty much everything he had to give.

And now neither of you has anything. All because you're a selfish asshole who's never satisfied.

You piece of fucking shit.


	3. Chapter 3

Today is going to be a good day.

Yesterday was a good day. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. But then again it might not be. It might be a great day!

You are out with your favorite human and it's a brisk chilly day and you can smell for miles. Somebody somewhere is grilling a burger. A burger is your favorite food and your second favorite smell after all your favorite humans and snacky cakes and fresh poo. This day couldn't get any better unless the somebody out there is grilling a burger for you.

You follow your nose all over the road, smelling all the smells there are to smell. There's been somebody walking through recently. They smell nice. If you catch up to them they might give you pets.

Oh! Oh! You want those pets.

You start off after the smell, snuffling as deep as you can, and you are almost into the trees before you realize your human isn't following.

She's sitting on a rock beside the road and holding her face in her hands and she's making sad noises. Why sad noises? Doesn't she know today is going to be a good day?

She snuffles too but it doesn't sound like she's smelling anything. You trot over and sit in front of her and tip your head this way and that, trying to get a good sense of what's going on. Her eyes and nose are both doing the leaky thing. Luckily you're here to clean her up. You give her a big lick right in the face. She tastes so great. That's why she's your favorite human.

But she pushes you away. "Not now, Dogmeat," she says.

This is not good. Usually when your favorite person pushes you off like this she's making laughing noises but not this time. This time she's still doing the leaky thing. This is bad. Sometimes when this happens she will go to bed and not come out for forever.

This calls for your most powerful ally.

Her bag for carrying stuff is sitting on the ground beside her and she doesn't say anything when you stick your nose inside and flip the top of it over. She has a lot of things in here. She has clothes that smell like her and a box that smells like guns and another box that smells like snacky cakes. This really is a great day. But not for her, you remind yourself. Not yet.

You drag your teddy bear out of her bag and set it very carefully on her lap. She doesn't do anything but keep making sad noises. Maybe she just didn't see it. You poke it with your nose and scoot it a little closer to her. Still nothing. Probably she can't tell it's there with her eyes all closed and leaky. She's not very good at smelling things. That's okay. You put your paws on her legs and nose at her arm. If she just looks down she'll see your teddy bear and then she'll feel better. Teddy bear always makes you feel better, after all.

She pulls her arm away and squints her little human eyes at you. She picks up your teddy bear and pats you on the head.

"You're such a good boy," she says. But now she just makes the sad noises even harder.

Not good. You put your head in her lap and look up at her sad human face. Maybe she wants snacks? No, that's probably not it. She has thumbs and can get snacks anytime she wants snacks.

Her sad noises are making you sad. Why doesn't she know how great today is? Can't she smell all the great things all around and hear the wind singing a song in the trees and feel a bright sparky cold that lets you know it's going to snow soon?

You are putting back your head to make sad noises along with her when you smell it. It's that other person who went through before you but now the wind has changed and you can smell the smell even better. It smells like oil and metal and... smoke? Not wood smoke. Cigarette smoke.

Oh heck. Oh heck! It's your favorite human that doesn't look like a human!

This is the greatest. If you can't make your human feel better the other one can for sure. He's her favorite human that doesn't look like a human, too. That's because he's pretty great. He smells nice and he sounds nice and he gives the best scritches.

You bound off to the edge of the road and bark to let her know to follow, but she doesn't. She sits there and holds onto your teddy bear. What's wrong with her? She can bring teddy bear too. You bark at her to hurry up and she still just sits there. She's really bad at this. Probably she needs some encouragement. You come back and pick up her bag for carrying things and carry the bag for carrying things to the trees. You bark at her until you get her attention. Then you bow at her so she knows it's not sad time, it is play time.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

She is paying attention! You run out into the trees. She'll need you to find the human that doesn't look like a human because her smelling is pretty bad, actually.

"Dogmeat!" she calls. "Come back here with that. I'm not in the mood for this. Please? I'll give you a snacky cake."

Joke is on her. You know the snacky cakes are in this bag. If she wants to get one she's got to catch you first!

Finally you hear her start crashing through the trees behind you and you can start tracking again. You follow the smells past some trees that are dead and some that aren't and past a place with no trees where you can smell poo, but it doesn't smell very fresh and you have more important things to do. You run and you run and then in the distance you see him: the human who doesn't look like a human, on top of a hill, leaning against a tree, just looking out over everything.

You get so excited when you see him that you completely forget about the bag for carrying things and sprint as fast as you can up that hill. The human who doesn't look like a human turns when he hears you and puts up one arm, the one with the good scritching hand, up in front of himself. He's going to let you be tall! You love being tall. You run right up and jump up so your paws are on his arm.

"Dogmeat?" the human who doesn't look like a human says. "What are you doin' way out here?" He touches the bag you are carrying--oh yeah, you're carrying a bag--and says, "What is..."

Then your favorite human is running up the hill after you and you're too excited to be tall anymore, so you get down and hop on your front feet. This is going to be great!

"I swear..." your favorite human pants, "to god... Dogmeat... if you..."

And then she's right up the hill and she's standing there to one side of you and your favorite human who doesn't look human is standing on the other.

"Oh," she says. "Nick."

"Nora." He folds up his arms and looks down at the dirt. You look but don't see anything interesting. "Been a while. Hope you're doing well."

"Yeah. Same to you."

Then they don't say anything for a moment, before they both turn to the other one and say at the same time, "I'm sorry."

The human who doesn't look human laughs. "Now you owe me a soda."

"I'm sorry," your favorite human tells him again. "For what happened after Winter."

"It's not your fault. I'm just... not built like everyone else, I guess. I can't give you what you want."

"No, no, I shouldn't have said anything. It was a stupid thing to do and an asshole thing to do and I understand if you hate me."

The other one doesn't say anything.

"I wanted to apologize but I thought you'd never want to see me again."

"An apology," says the one who doesn't look like a human. "For what?"

"'For what?'" Now your favorite human laughs, but she doesn't sound or smell or look very happy. "For coming on to you when you were still trying to process what happened. For making you feel like you owed me something. You don't owe me anything."

"I didn't feel that way. It's just that you deserve better. A lot better. You deserve somebody who can love you the way you want to be loved, and... and that just ain't me, kid."

"But that's not your fault. Things were fine before I said something. You were right about us. We made pretty good friends."

"We still can," he says quietly. "If... if you're okay with me the way I am."

"Are you kidding? I love you!" She ducks her head and squeezes your teddy bear tightly. "I mean, I love you the way you are. I did before and I do now. It... it kind of sucks that it's not reciprocated, but that's life. You don't have to feel bad about it. You're still the best friend I ever had."

"Please don't cry."

"I'm not crying. I'm shivering. It's freezing out here."

He sighs and undoes the tie on the front of his coat and holds the sides out like bird wings. "Come on."

Your favorite human drops your teddy bear and hugs your favorite human who doesn't look like a human tightly. You hope he'll like that, because hugs are weird and you are not a fan. He wraps his coat around her and hugs her back.

"I love you," she says. "As long as we're together I don't care about a relationship. We've got something different. Something better." She is quiet for a moment, then says, "Aw, Nick, don't you start crying."

"I'm not crying. Just the fans running. It's too warm out here."

And your favorite human laughs and laughs.

You go get your teddy bear and find a comfy spot in some leaves to wait. Your two favorite people in one place, your teddy bear, a box of snacky cakes. This really is the best day ever.

Well, at least until it's the best day ever tomorrow.


End file.
